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It’s a jungle out there in the world of Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Australia and that has very little to do with the ’80s-fuelled revival of animal prints. I was disappointed to note on the list of international guests for this year’s event that Sir David Attenborough had not made the cut. In the absence of the silver fox with a fondness for meerkats, I shall talk you through the four beasts that you will spot at this year’s gathering.
1. The Street Style stalker
Dressed in a look-at-me palette of clothes swiped from the press rack of eager designers, the street style stalker is currently ruler of the fashion jungle. Their natural habitat is at the entrance to shows, whether they’ve been invited or not (if they’re in B row don’t expect them to bother walking inside).
The stalker’s success is not based on their intellect or strength but the combined ability to preen at an Olympic level, persist in looking casually at their iPhone until snapped and being able to squeeze into a sample size.
Telltale sign: Yeezy sneakers.
2. The veteran
They remember and never shut up about the good old days, when the event was held at Fox Studios, Sarah Murdoch strode the runway and designers such as Zimmermann, Morrissey Edmiston and Collette Dinnigan were bursting with creativity. Beware of getting cornered in the bar by the survivor as they will wear you down with tales of how everything was better in the past while finding out which names to drop to seem in touch with the hip youth of today.
Telltale sign: Top-to-toe vintage wardrobe from the last decade they received a designer discount.
3. The newbie
Fresh from fashion college with a bedroom covered in pictures of J-Law in Dior, a September Issue poster and a wardrobe crammed with Target designer brand collaborations, this vulnerable creature exudes enthusiasm through a cloak of scented Impulse.
Watch as the newbie faints at the sight of Anna Plunkett from Romance Was Born or Lara Bingle. Shield your ears as they applaud loudly from the back row at every show, dressed in those cobbled together in a Bali factory outfits that draw a little too much inspiration from the European ready-to-wear shows. Soon they will enter the fashion cocoon and emerge with either more fully-formed taste or more eyeshadow from stolen goodie bags.
Telltale sign: Pointing at the Street Style stalkers they follow on Instagram.
4. The buyer
They’ve come from the latest international online retailer where Australia is their third-largest market and still can’t get over the 24-hour flight. Dressed in sensible sneakers and low-key ensembles, they leave the preening to the Street Style stalker, preferring a carry-on, all-black approach to their wardrobe.
The buyer is on the lookout for the next Ellery and will pick anyone’s brain for who is on the rise. Sit next to them and you will be grilled about Georgia Alice and which bars in the city have straight men.
Telltale sign: Constantly in an Uber to Bondi Beach.
