Praise to the gods Alexander McQueen, Yves Saint Laurent and Coco Chanel because GRAZIA is back. Fortunately, no quilted lambskin handbags with glittering gold and black chains were sacrificed at the bedazzled altar of fashion to resurrect your home of fashion news and opinions.
There’s a vital need for GRAZIA – to let you know who the latest designer is at Saint Laurent (Antony Vaccarello) and Dior (still waiting) AND to stop me from spontaneously combusting on the street. Without an outlet for my impassioned media voice I have been randomly stopping people and making citizen’s arrests for crimes against fashion. Here are the serial offences I have been fighting as the self-appointed lead member of Karl Lagerfeld’s Angels.
CRIME #1: IMPERSONATING Beyoncé
Just because you have been watching Lemonade on repeat and are commonly referred to as Bae by your loved ones, you are not Beyoncé. Do you run the world? No, Beyoncé does. Even if you carry hot sauce in your handbag, workout in Ivy Park, were Destiny’s favourite child and have a sister with anger management issues you are not Beyoncé. So why are you heading out on the town looking like you are about to give a half time performance at the Super Bowl in fancy black granny knickers, stockings and a cast-off corset top?
This has nothing to do with slut-shaming (otherwise known as Becky-with-the-good-hair shaming) or body-shaming. I’m all for serving up curves and owning your sexuality. This is just plain old hot mess shaming. Unless you are about to perform on stage, do not wear a costume for a big Saturday night on the town. Instead, look for an Alaïa-inspired body-con dress, or an embellished long-sleeved tunic that just covers your granny knickers. You may not be Beyoncé but you can be a stylish star that shines brighter than Kelly Rowland.
Please be aware the above applies to imitators of Rihanna, Rita Ora and Iggy Azalea. (Seriously people, why?)
CRIME #2: DENIM SHORTS. JUST MOVE ON. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
Certain trends linger longer in Australia than in the fashion capitals of London, New York and Paris. For unknown reasons we still think Good Charlotte and Ronan Keating are chart toppers and that denim shorts are the perfect fashion fallback for any occasion and any body size.
Let’s get this clear, denim shorts – like camisoles, overalls and floppy hats – are a sometimes fashion item, not an everyday option. On a recent trip back to Australia, homegrown stylist and Etre Cecile T-shirt designer Yasmin Sewell asked me why Sydney women were still stepping into denim shorts? I could barely answer as a cultural cringe paralysed me… leaving me unable to Instagram my quinoa breakfast bowl.
Credit: Getty Images / Claire Greenway
Let’s face it, with the wrong cut, denim shorts are basically thigh-squeezing advertisements for camel toe and back rolls. Even supermodel Cindy Crawford couldn’t pull the look off at Coachella this year. And do you really want to be wearing the same item as a 50 year old, no matter how fabulous her Vogue covers from the 80s look?
Move on with Boho-inspired, high-waisted patchwork skirts, crochet tunics or hippie bell-bottoms to get the festival spirit without scoring a fashion fail. We all make fashion crimes and orange may be the new black, but those onesie uniforms from the television show are even worse than denim shorts and granny knickers.
Cover image: giphy.com